I have blogged some now about our trip and the events that we have encountered. I wanted to write a bit about what is going on in my heart.
I am more conflicted now than I have ever been. I get these glimpses of the beauty and need of this country and I desire to stay and work and love and give. And then there are the times that I just feel alone, and out of place, and sort of like a baby sister that gets taken around because the parents say it must be so.
My pride is swollen and injured here where I can't do really anything for myself and am at the mercy of everyone else. I know exactly what the problem is. I am self centered and self indulgent and prideful. I don't want to need others. Boy, am I the picture of the holy missionary or what?
Now to the good news.
I know that the Lord brought our little family here for His purpose. I expected this to be difficult, but I have been surprised in that I wasn't expecting it to be difficult in the areas that it has been.
Spiritually I find myself struggling to stay dependent. Is that happening in your life in the states? (I almost said your life at home, but that isn't home anymore...this is)
We are here for the long hall, and I am excited about that as well as aprehensive, and I know that I have barely scratched the surface. Praise God for the Coreanos that they are here to be our friends and our helpers and His provision for us. Their difficulty has made it possible for us to avoid them. Please pray God's blessings on them as they have served us here in the past 6 months by paving the way.
3 comments:
Jenny,
I will pray for you in making this transition. I will pray that you find it easier to accept the help and support of those around you as you settle in and find your "Guatemala legs" and I will pray that you will find it easier to stay dependent.
You asked if we are struggling in our dependency? I am. I am struggling so much with my dependency, especially in the areas of motherhood. We have been having a very difficult time as of late and I know that part of the problem is my own spirit but, I am finding it SO hard to fix it! Please pray for me and the 4 little ones that are stuck with me all day long!
Thanks for that very sincere and heartfelt entry. I feel so spoiled living in my little existence in the Flowerplex. Sometimes I wonder what difference I make in ANYONE'S life. I know that those you have to depend on for help are BLESSED by being able to serve you right now. You know, once you guys are "natives" of the area, you will be a BLESSING to someone else just starting out in the mission field (have you ever thought of it that way??) It is a humbling experience being dependent on others...but what a blessing it is to me to be able to serve someone in "need." Praying for you...thanks for sharing what God is teaching you. It encourages me!
I experience discomfort even going to another American city!
When Mike & I first married and we moved to the Midwest away from my family, I felt like an alien. I didn't even know my husband (we'd only known each other 3 months when we married). But I kept reminding myself that eventually, being with Mike would feel like 'home': familiar, comfortable, natural. I pray that for you guys, that it won't take long for you to be assimilated into the culture and you'll be able to lay aside every encumbrance and run with endurance as you share Jesus with your new neighbors.
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