I was getting ready for bed tonight and found a photo of me and my grandfather when I was like 4-5 months old. It is a really great picture and I looked at it with such joy that we got to meet and that I have one or two memories of the man. He was apparently a great man. He died when I was 2, but at least I have pictures.
Then I realized that Madeline will have no photos of her with my dad. Deacon will have very few, but at least my dad got to meet him. I am heartsick that he never got to meet my beautiful daughter. He would have enjoyed her so much. I was his baby girl and a daddy's girl, and he would have just loved to meet his baby girl's baby girl. I am so saddened by this. he didn't get to live to a ripe old age with a full life, knowing all of his grandchildren and even his great grandchildren. I feel like we got cheated. We all got cheated big time. Most of you didn't know my dad, but he was so cool. He was ornery, but super cool.
Madeline never got to sit in his lap, never got to hear his voice, and my dad never got to see his own face and his own curly hair on our little girl. Que tristesa. How incredibly sad.
Sorry to be a little depressing. I am still grieving this. Maybe I will always. This evening was incredible difficult. I know that the Lord is lord of all of this, and that my daddy is with Him right now, but I can't help but feel like he shouldn't be. He should be here, getting to know my children better. He should be here getting photos taken with them. He should get to see Deacon dance on skype like the other grandparents. Madeline should get to ride around on his wheelchair when she gets older. He should have gotten to teach them his funny phrases and silly jokes. But that is gone. At least until Christ brings us all home to be together again. I'm sad. I want my daddy back. I want to pray to God to please turn back the clock a while so that I could take better care of the time that we did have. And it is so frustrating that I can feel it in my bones that I can't have him back again.
I am so tired, so I have to go to sleep, but I hope that I dream of him. Here are a couple of cool pictures of my dad and Deacon. The sad thing is, these two of VERY few photos I have of my dad with my child. Please, all of you that still have parents alive, please take lots of photos.