Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I miss my daddy.

I was getting ready for bed tonight and found a photo of me and my grandfather when I was like 4-5 months old. It is a really great picture and I looked at it with such joy that we got to meet and that I have one or two memories of the man. He was apparently a great man. He died when I was 2, but at least I have pictures.

Then I realized that Madeline will have no photos of her with my dad. Deacon will have very few, but at least my dad got to meet him. I am heartsick that he never got to meet my beautiful daughter. He would have enjoyed her so much. I was his baby girl and a daddy's girl, and he would have just loved to meet his baby girl's baby girl. I am so saddened by this. he didn't get to live to a ripe old age with a full life, knowing all of his grandchildren and even his great grandchildren. I feel like we got cheated. We all got cheated big time. Most of you didn't know my dad, but he was so cool. He was ornery, but super cool.

Madeline never got to sit in his lap, never got to hear his voice, and my dad never got to see his own face and his own curly hair on our little girl. Que tristesa. How incredibly sad.

Sorry to be a little depressing. I am still grieving this. Maybe I will always. This evening was incredible difficult. I know that the Lord is lord of all of this, and that my daddy is with Him right now, but I can't help but feel like he shouldn't be. He should be here, getting to know my children better. He should be here getting photos taken with them. He should get to see Deacon dance on skype like the other grandparents. Madeline should get to ride around on his wheelchair when she gets older. He should have gotten to teach them his funny phrases and silly jokes. But that is gone. At least until Christ brings us all home to be together again. I'm sad. I want my daddy back. I want to pray to God to please turn back the clock a while so that I could take better care of the time that we did have. And it is so frustrating that I can feel it in my bones that I can't have him back again.

I am so tired, so I have to go to sleep, but I hope that I dream of him. Here are a couple of cool pictures of my dad and Deacon. The sad thing is, these two of VERY few photos I have of my dad with my child. Please, all of you that still have parents alive, please take lots of photos.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

Jenny- How cool that you have such fond memories of your dad. I have had the exact same feelings about my MawMaw that past away almost 5 yrs ago. I am thankful she got to meet Madeline but she died when Maddy was 6mo old. She never got to meet Coleman (who is named after her - Moore was her maiden name and is his middle name). I hate that we moved back home 1 year after she died and that I would have driven by her house everyday on my way to work. She would have loved that I was a florist and I could have brought her flowers all the time. I still grieve for her sometimes and she was my grandmother not my mom or dad! I know you are sad my friend, I will be praying for you!

Brandon and Jenny said...

Thank Sarah! Life is hard...or it's hard when it ends.

Rob and Becky said...

Oh, Jenny, I know exactly how you are feeling as I prepare to have Baby #3-- the first grandchild my Dad won't get to meet. I am so blessed (and I know he was too) that he got to meet my nephew and Tessa just a few weeks before he died. But the same thing has been on my mind lately. My heart hurts for you, in the same way it hurts for me. I'm greiveing right along with you... ~Becky

Brandon and Jenny said...

Oh, Becky...I know you are grieving right with me! It is amazing what we take for granted, even when we know what might be coming. Like you, my dad was sick for a very long time, but you just can't prepare for the void that their passing will cause. Especially when we think about our children, and that they will miss out on what a cool and amazing person our dads were. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

From Carlys Eyes said...

Between Nathan and I we have had 5deaths in the family since we have been married. I am glad to know I am not the only one who still mourns for those I loved so dearly.

cookiehawk77 said...

My mom passed away 16 years ago, and I still miss her! She'll meet Will in heaven. I'm sorry for your hurt.

Sharing His Plan said...

Jenny,
I came across your blog just before your father passed (because I believe we're both on Intermissions). Anyway, I have been reading and praying. I was sad when you dad passed too. I'm having a similar experience. From this post, let me please give you a virtual *HUG* for your loss and for your preicous memories. I too grieve with you.

My mother passed away 3 months before I gave birth to my son and my daughter was 2y2m old. My mother favors boys and would have showered him so much with her love and 'prizes' as she calls gifts. I did take as many photos as I could of my mom and daughter. She didn't want her picture taken, but I know I needed the memories for my daughter. I want to second what you said. Take photos/video for memories to last.

I pray for you and please know it's ok to have days like this for sure! If you need to chat, let me know.

Love you guys and praying!
Jackie Davis and family

Schweers' Mom said...

I think you will always grieve the loss of your dad. God made us to be in relationship with each other and when we are not, it really hurts - even though we know where our loved one is and that we will see them again. His design for us was not death, but life (and dang it, sin messed it up!). My grandmother died June 4th. She was so special to me. I find myself grieving for her at odd times and when I least expect it. But I am so thankful that I will rejoice with her in heaven one day.

Hugs!

Ian said...

I've thought about this for several days, and I think you might be making on incorrect assumption. You said a few things, if I may:

[he] never got to hear his voice, and my dad never got to see his own face and his own curly hair on our little girl

He should get to see Deacon dance on skype like the other grandparents

I'm no theologian by any means, but I think that somehow, God allows His children to see the things that would have brought them joy here on earth. I firmly beleive that your father does see Deacon dancing, and Madeline's curly hair. I beleive this with all my heart, Jenny, in the same way that I beleive that our grandfathers (whom we never met) got to watch Brandon and I, too.

God is so much bigger than we can possibly convieve - I think He's fully capable of making the connections from our hearts to the hearts of those children He's brought home to Him. I think His reach is that far, and I think He allows more connections that we think He does.

Just my two cents - I hope it helps a little